Friday, May 05, 2006, 23:30
suddenly i have fleetin tots which i cant comprehend, nor do i wana go unravel it
it might just be a can of worms that before openin it i somehow feel i shouldnt...
so what im gonna do is to attempt to write it out and den attempt to drop it outa my head
is it just me or is it cuz that age is catchin up wif me, that i suddenly think of marriage and gettin married... envisionin myself with my someone special, in tat pretty white dress smiling happily, knowin another chapter of my life has just commenced.
maybe deep down, which ger does not want to get married, in that pretty white dress, and feelin that for 1 day in e entire universe, that day belongs to her and her someone special...
as feelingless, as hard as i try to void my feelins mostly, there are times like such that i think of such... and for once in e blue moon, i get cranky n bitchy envyin those who are and are walkin down that life *well, life's a bitch isnt it mostly?*
and yes, im beginnin to have such tots again...
but no, i dun envy the people around me who are happily married, either living their own shared lives together, or the picture/sights of my friends carryin their children playin and enjoyin a day out wif me...
its just me.. who wana settle down, find someone to start the next chapter of my life with,and build dreams and goals together, for our future, our children...
*hey i am afterall a girl hor, i deserve e right to think of such though its so far away that i cant even feel it in my life*
being in a relationship and being married is different, to me at least
a marriage bonds 2 people for live, for the good or bad, thru all the ups and downs
maybe to some its the same, no difference, but simply to me, ITS DIFFERENT!
times like this, i have 2 memories that comes back
1...
sittin down at a dinner, and me saying, i wana get married before i turn 24...
and that someone simply smilin away, feigning ignorance and nonchanlance, saying 'ya la i know lar... when im 30 lor...'
den i started arguin, 'but den ill be 24 le wat, my birthday is much earlier than yours'
and that someone saying 'but ure still 24 wat, fair wat... ure 24, im 30'
somehow, i know this person might have never meant it, or maybe this person did but i will never find out the answer *and am not interested in findin out the answer now*
i left the meal feelin a slight sense of happiness, as it was an unofficial promise of marriage if we made it till im closer to 24.. but also a slight sense of sadness, for i doubt the person meant it then...
2...
someone special asking me 'do you want to marry me?'
and me answering, 'the question here is not whether i want to marry you or not, its whether you want to marry me or not'
though the words were nice to hear, it saddens me to know that the someone special did not mean it. the very knowledge of it, and very deep feelin whereby i wished so much for this person to mean what he had asked... a sense of disappointment?
a sense of untold pain while i simply diverted the conversation to something else nonchalantly, when deep within i did not any bit feel nonchalant about...
maybe e very knowledge of that someone special knowing he dont mean it convinces me no matter how many times he asks that question, 1 time, 10 times, 100 times, 1000 times or even 10000 times, he might very well not mean it thru the 10000 times he asks disappoints me?
maybe disappointment isnt the very right word to use,
more of hurt...
but even if the knowledge that this special someone might not mean it
my answer to this person will remain consistent, and i meant every single word of it.
there are some people who are simply put off by the word 'marriage'
yet some like the insane me for awhile, yearns so much to settle down
the exact opposite of the human population.
to those that have the same tots of me, i wish u all luck in findin that special one who feels the same for u
for i aint as lucky as you all to maybe find someone who feels e same way you do
to those who repell marriage
my question to you is, what is there to fear?
nothing changes, just that you have one more person to share every bit and piece of life with,
to be able to have kids that are the results of the love both of you have and share
the very thing that is simply uniquely yourself and your partner.
or maybe the fact that i work with children, seeing them everyday,
the different ages, the innocent laughter, seeing families together from the passing young families that bring their babies/toddlers to the school right next to where i work, growin up gifted...
this morning while i was workin
i saw this young couple with this pretty baby in the stroller lookin all so contented...
i paused for awhile, and this question came to my head 'when will this picture be real in my life?' sadly the logical side of my brain refuses to let me dream and answered me outright 'definitely not now, and maybe never'
and i was sad...
or maybe the fact that my darlin girl frens around me, half or maybe more of the population around me are married *whether happily or not* are growin and learnin from life with their children and their other half...
or maybe the fact that i love children so, and so much wish that the children i play around with, and dote on are those of mine... a part of me, and my someone special...
or the worst possible scenario... im losing my mind
*which could be the most probable*
maybe one day i might just outgrow all this thoughts and resign to the fate that i might be living life alone, for now or my future.. that i might never fulfill this very primary wish of mine... that one day, without me even realising, that i no longer yearn for such
maybe e day whereby i lost such insane moments of myself for good
i guess for now, all i have is to be contented with the laughter, love and joy that my frens who are in this 'state' can offer me by displayin it in front of me
im tired of wishin, when maybe my wishes might never come true
okay, enough of my insaneness.
i shld tune myself back to being sane
least i will try...
oh ya, did i mention i accidentally saw partner in crime todae
by chance when i was havin lunch...
yeap i did...
okay, enuff of my nonsense
i shan't bored u all anymore
lil princess adelynn
a sad princess cuz she wana get married yet her prince dun wana marry her
