Wednesday, January 25, 2006, 23:09
now that ive written out the much dreaded letter
i hope i can find it within myself
to slowly let go
of something that means something only to myself and not the other party
a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs for the past few weeks
1 birthday wish i so much wished for
the best part of it all
i didnt even wished for it to come true
but just being a little closer to realizing this wish of mind
somehow in a snap of fingers
a sudden realization its all a hallucination to some sense
i have this big big urge to feel the cold icey wind against my skin
i so much need it now
and the funny thing of it all was i was just talkin about it to a fren of my in the UK, leeds about flying over to enjoy the cool icey breezy wind together
and the most ironic place is UK
its definitely number 1 on my wish list now
TO SAVE UP ENUFF TO GO TO THE UK & TO HAVE TIME OFF FROM WORK & SCHOOL TO GO!
a much needed break
and know what? the irony of it all was
the last trip to BKK was supposed to mark the new beginning
in some sense it did
but it also marked contridiction & irony.
stamped in super huge red words!
i wished i cld just crush it all up like paper
and throw it in the wastepaper bin or flush down the toiletbowl
and let this part be erased
but again, maybe it could be done
i might just feel the exact opposite of it
and guard it so preciously with my life
why does god have to show things to a person when its the very things the person would die for and yet cant ever have in their life?
why allow knowledge of such an existance and yet not grant the person the very 1 wish the person has
if denying the person of such possession, why allow knowledge of it?
why put yearning into a person when you know it brings misery
why put hopes when all the person gets in returned are shatter dreams & loss of confidence?
if i ever faced god now, ill simply say this :'i hate you & for everything u bring me yet take away in my life'
i simply wan time to turn so fast without me noticing that maybe one day it might all fade away
i simply wan to just disappear. but i wana disappear from myself. teach me how if u know
