Wednesday, December 21, 2005, 11:56
sitting at mac as im writin this
finally my SIM details have been finalised
this seems like the very last step towards my new life
as apprenhensive about this undertain new life as i may be, a part of me cant wait to embark and tread unto this new life
as i look thru the pics in my digi cam and clearing them
i feel as thou im attempting to take that final step to clear my heart and mind knots away
some pics made me smile, others brought tears down my facce
but sumhow i know its a must?
its exactly 1 month to my 23rd bdar
never expected my life to take such a drastic change
for the good or bad i wun know yet
onli time will tell
voided of feelings
evasive to all [most i guess] emotions
yet intrigued sometimes at the mystery of some,
somehow i feel the fear within me will somehow stay and place me in this phrase
as i tell others i have moved on and accepted things as they are
in some ways yes, in others no
i somehow feel that ive grown..
matured, stronger
both mentally and emotionally
evasive. intrigued. nonchalant.
such are the very words i use now to describe myself
gone are my steel strong beliefs in love and relationships
gone are the hopes of being married and having children
for now, children and marriage all seems so distant and unrealistic
sumthing i can visualise yet cant grasp
replaced is the determination to lead my life alone
in a simpler manner?
yet the irony of my new life is that without vince i wont even think of takin this big step to study.
i hope that a tiny part of him will be able to be happy and maybe 1 day as i graduate, be proud of me in some minute ways
and as for me towards him
i sincerely wish/hope/pray for his happiness, peace and love in his life always always
a baggage must be at some point of time, be let go off in order to rewalk life again
ive stopped my 'clocl' for some time now, and its time to start it going again
a mixture of feelins is how i feel now.
both happy and sad
im crying as im writing this,
tears for what couold have been in my life, yet also gratefulness for what it is now
as painful as it all seems now, i know sumhow ill get used to this pain and be accustomed to it, and move
michael buble - i wana go home
[listenin to it right now]
but exactly where's my home of comfort/security/happiness?
ive stopped pondering for some time. have i?
somehow all the pain and unhappiness,
ill somehow get used to it like i always do
and carry on my journey
to all my well wishers,
those that have pushed me on when i faltered
encouraged me when my days were grey
even at times the desperate attempts to 'snap me out of it'
i thank you all from the bottom of my heart
it was all of you that had kept me going
and its every one of u i love with all my heart
yet to those that desperately wish to see me fail
i take on your anticipated failure with a bigger determination,
a bigger challenage to me
even if i fail
ull not see the tears in my eyes
nor the pain within me
yet if i do manage to succeed
ure the very ones i have to thank for
for your wishes of me failure, ur anticipation of my failure gave me the greatest determination to walk on when i think i cant anymore
[ur words will be ringing within my head AA,ill remember what u said.
it meant alot to me,but it will never be enuff in some minute ways
maybe one day... just maybe one day...]
with love
evasively scared, yet intrigued
adelynn
*i will post the long overdue pics when i have the energy to
sumhow recently i have issues finding energy to do anything extra*
