Monday, August 08, 2005, 06:09
i simply cant believe it
im still wide eyed at 610hrs
and the last time i slept,
i like slept for 3 hours?
goodness
im going mad with my insomnia
somehow stayin awake in the middle of the night
made me have alot of thoughts
as i was speakin to the girls in aussie
it seemed once more,
we are so close yet so far
assuring words, comforting paragraphs flowed in our msn conversation of 8 girls
somehow it seemed like a classic 'sit down and have coffee' gossip and talk rubbish session.
only that it was a virtual conversation
serina was sweet enough to call me from aussie
i bet her bill must come up to be a bomb as we talked for about 20 mins
reminds me of the times we were all young, and dumb and cuckoo looking
[yes, i looked freaking dumb when i was young, not that i look that great now, but looking at things, i guess ive improved? haha]
what are the basic concepts of a relationship?
have i faltered in my stride to finding my relationship?
am i realli so wrong?
or am i simply insecure?
and if im insecure, den i ask myself
what of it am i insecure once more?
or is it my past haunting me?
how does one simply overcome the past and not let the past affect one?
i rem once one said that a past moulds a person
so does that mean my past has moulded me into a imperfect and incomplete ger?
i seriously hope not.
i fear what i fear the most
that i have allowed my past to affect my present
and insintrically my future
i yearn to be doted on
and i also wana dote on that special someone in my heart
but have i forgotten the ways of doting?
or are my ways of doting wrong?
i fear.
i yearn to be cared for
and i also wana care for that special someone in my heart
but have i forgotten the ways of care and concern?
or i have distorted the image of care and concern within myself?
and the definition of it?
am i caring in the wrong way?
i fear.
i have so many doubts
doubts which i simply cant put into words
yet somehow the girls managed to piece the broken shattered bits of what im able to ravel within myself together
and form a incomplete yet closer to what i myself can put together a picture of my very own doubts
[call this telepathy or understanding? haha]
they said my fears and doubts were natural
and that i should open up and expose this weak side to him
but sumhow the words seem to disappear in my life.
i remember i once said i feared arguements and cold wars
but somehow we simply managed to squirm our way into having it
my quick assumption and judgement of my perception has lead to the cold war
i wouldnt say it isnt my fault
yet i wouldnt say its totally my fault
or is it totally my fault?
i begin to ponder and have been pondering for a long long time
and till now, im pondering
[is this the reason why im stayin awake?]
to some, some people can simply live with cold war and life simply goes on
but i cant
for it nags at me at the back of my head
and being me, i dun lk to go to bed carryin unhappiness and unresolved arguements and cold wars to bed...
but however, this time, nothing is once more again within my control
have i realli failed him this time round?
i fear... that i have...
have i?
i fear. i simply fear n doubt myself
i remember talkin to the gers online, and him via sms,
and somehow the words from his sms made my tears for
for what i simply duno
as i read and re read each one over and over again
the tears simply fell.
am i a kid to him that should be punished for a wrong doing?
can a person be so harsh unto another person?
am i afterall a big kid to him?
that he should hand out 'punishments' in his own definition at his will.
i fear... and i doubt myself once more.
im thinkin of going for a jog/blade round the neighbourhood to try and clear my thoughts
but my fear of going back to Mt. A and paying that $125 puts the idea off.
i simply refuse to pay $125 just to wait and breathe in their so called 'clean air' and take ventolin to 'open up my lungs' to resume normal breathing
my butt still hurts
and so does my ankle
but i guess lk all things
im slowly gettin used to the pain
imagine having the aching feelin whenever u sit down?
i should wait to see if i have bruises on my butt
and since i slipped down the stairs
i wonder would be bruises be in pathes
or lines?
[lame i know, but pardon me, i aint thinking very right, after being seriously lack of sleep]
SERIOUSLY need to try and attempt to sleep
but as i lay in bed
and face the tremoundously high and pointed ceiling i face every nite
i begin to regain the fear i had of it initially
and i wonder why
with all the love in the world for the frens who simply care so much
and to the one who resides in my heart, who has the key to my heart
adelynn
