Friday, August 12, 2005, 17:26
[after thoughts? or however u call it...]
its been a while...
things been topsy turvy for a while
somehow im lost in the midst of it all
as i was in the shower todae.
i suddenly sat down and felt that time remained still for awhile
and the first recollection that came to my mind was...
blk 401, fishball noodles.
table 39
with its yellow flowery tables and yellow seats
it brought a smile to my face.
i recall....
gg rev zone.
got out of the car
as we walked, he held me and kissed me at the side of my eye
at that moment it all felt right once more
i remember us washin cars togethers, spending afternoons together,laying in bed, and reading our novels together, silently, sprawled over each other and him making time for me no matter how busy his day was, or how little time we had.thru his efforts, big or small, i saw and felt the love he had for me, and i appreciated every single bit of it...
recently,im missing such moments in our life together, and i begin to ponder. i sense his well being is tilted,but somehow helpless enuff to not be able to sense it, and not know why. [wo lei le ni que bu zhi dao,ni bu dong chao ren fei chao ren ou er ye hui liu yan lei]
i remember his camomile tea, and i remember he jokingly once said, he replaced the camomile tea in my life from then on, and that from the on, every night i would sleep well, sleep securely and safely. the camomile tea was left at my bedside as a reminder that i need not have sleepless nights anymore, that i no longer needed medication nor camomile tea to try and put me to sleep anymore. he somehow was my 'immediate cure' to insomnia.
recently my sleepless nights has been coming back, and ive been battling with them, takin my camomile tea every nite. each time as i drank, i remember he saying he's my camomile tea from then on. and i smile to myself.
[am i silly or what]
i, myself is a unique individual. is it right to judge me for the things others had done?i understand the fears, but why cant you look beyond the situation and understand im myself, solely uniquely me, and that do not judge me, or think this is how it wld definitely be, cuz im different. everyone's different.
have a simply became a responsibility that he no longer wants to do things for? that its even out of his routine to spend time with me?
ever held ice in ur hand, and as it was melting in ur hands, all u can is see it disintegrate and become water and slowly drip off your hand and disappear, and yet theres nothing you can do?
prob this is a little insight of how i feel.
but again im not sure.
given a choice, id rather keep all the good memories
and walk away with all the good memories.
adelynn
