Sunday, July 31, 2005, 23:46
as i lay in bed to recollect this whole weekend
i had this stomach twistin feeling
one i haven had for a long time
apparently simple words from his mouth affected me more than i thought it would.
apparently, i quote from him 'put the bear at home,its childish. followed by a pause as i kept quiet and cont walking, its while some more, its gona be dirty'
apparently it stayed in my mind more than i thought it would
so nw its all childish.
wasnt i like since day 1?
[somehow deep down, i was sad, but hopefully the darkness of the walkway covered that up]
i remember whispering to bearie 'daddy dun wants u anymore'
i remember tellin myself to take the 2 other pooh's in his car out.
apparently this re enactment went thru my head todae over and over again, unknowingly.
why am i so upset about anywae? [ and i wonder for a long while too]
its indeed perceived as childish to some,
for a 22 yr old ger to want to hug a bear in the car, together with her favourite childhood pillow
and place 2 remaining pooh at the back of the car, wearing seatbelts
it must indeed be childish to others, and maybe to me too if i didnt have the habit
i guess its perceived as 'unacceptable' to the norm of society for a 22 yr old ger to carry things?
maybe yes, its indeed time to grow up
to me, the soft toys and my pillow is perceived by me as security
feeling safe, feeling secure
feeling happy, feeling wanted.
to others such maybe nothing
but maybe in me, in my own world
they mean something, something others wld never understand?
i rem going to bed with a thought to remove all bear bears from his car the next chance i had to sit in the car.
and i paused to wonder, would i miss huggin anyone of them when im in the car?
[guess its learning time once more huh???]
i remember placing my hand over his when he was driving
i remember lookin over to him when he was driving
but i didnt get that smile
and i self comforted by tellin myself 'hes in a down/bad mood, of what i had totally no knowledge about'
and i paused to wonder, am i indeed such an ignorant ger afterall?
i recollected him holdin my hand whenever i placed my hand over his when he was driving
i half expected such reaction
but none came
and i silently took my hand away
and once more self conforted by saying 'hes down, dun disturb him or ill sure to be f by him'
i simply kept silent
and tried to do the least amount of irritatingness to him
hopefully it wld appease him
apparently it did not
and i told myself
when 1 is down
would 1 be bothered about others feelings?
guess not was my answer to my question
and i somehow tried to understand his reaction
and silently accepted it all,
hopin that e next day was a better one
i attempted to self soothe, and self console and self heal
yes indeed, i found the imperfect one as seeked for in my frenster's profile to make me laugh, and yet also the onli one who has the ability to make me feel down. its been a long while since anyone cld affect me in a such a way, and i finally found this feelin all over again. [as shown below]
[[im simply an individualist imperfectionist looking for the perfect imperfectionist that would fit me. 1 that has e ability to make me my day, and yet the only 1 that can make me cry. the 1 who wld give in when i pout,e 1 who would yang yang me when i hurt myself,e 1 who would keep a look out for fear i fall cuz im clumsy or knw im not feelin well w/o me sayin a single thing]]
im listenin to [lao shu ai da mi] song repeatly as im writing this.
self soothin i guess.
suddenly feel like having chocolate fudge cake
or simply ice cream
just to self cheer myself up
but im simply too lazy to get it myself
but its alrite,
i still have my ciggs
[as quoted by me: my best frens in times like such, and well indeed too]
adelynn
