Thursday, June 23, 2005, 13:38
[love]
love is subjective. full stop.
i vaguely remember when i was in my early teens
i thought that love was really simple to comprehend.
just enjoying one another's company, and belonging to solely each other
that the world of love was filled up with many wonderful pretty colours
and that one can only imagine happiness are protrayed in the movies or shows.
but alas..
it was all a distorted image of love in my face.
when i fell flat on my face in my 1st attempt in love.
when for the first time i told myself
the world of love aint all about colours
but holes whereby u wld fall deep and not be able to crawl out
whereby its like walkin down a road, a part of it was colourful
and the next min u know, its pouring rain.
sumhow, being the dumb ass me, i nv learnt my lesson the 1st time.
i still continued with naiveity. [if there is eva such a word]
and was 'in search of my prince charming'
well apparently i ended up in a bigger mess.
[call me smart of wat, lol]
and then one begins to wonder.
what exactly is love
[one might assume after the realisation of things and the self questioning, one might get smarted]
honestly, now? at this moment in time
i have no answer for u.
my answer in 2000 would be
love's beautiful
it brings about joy, smiles and laughter.
it epics 2 person living a life together, maximising the time and joy both share.
and my answer in 2004 would be
im almost sure i found my love.
i had found rene. and that was enough
wth his incapabilites of which i could bring myself to accept over time
i tot he was my definition of love.
but again im wrong.
ask me whats is love now my answer to u
love's nthg more than just an illusion.
there could actually be no love in this world
but just that its human nature for 1 person to need another.
therefore the joining of 2 parties.
so what if ure able to call another person 'darling' 'dearie' 'baby' and all sorts of mushy names?
does that differentiate that person from the rest of the pple in ur life?
honestly i doubt so.
cuz names are afterall names
nicknames to be exact
and they are all a facade of lies and pain and potential hurt behind such names.
yes, pple call me baby and princess and all kinds of mushy names
but ironically im able to accept it
and openly self proclaim im a baby and princess and broken wing angel.
maybe the reason is cuz there's no love inclination btwn me and such pple.
ask anybody whom ive had feelins for to call me such, and i would definitely freak out.
lol.
where's the balance in love and life?
know of those who exchange money for love
ask me why they do it
i wonder why.
some might call it self betrayal when 1 is supp to love him/her self
i would call it difference in opinion and priorities.
know of those that rather have love than money?
i do.
and i laugh [silently to myself of cuz]
and ask myself why do they put themselves thru all the shit?
onli just to get hurt.
know of those who rather have anything in the world instead of love?
yes i do.
[and i hope to say i fall under this category]
such are those that have been hurt previously
or are still hurting
or those smart enuff pple to realise there are much more in this world to love
[but again i would like to ask meekly.. what's to life?]
i take work for a facade of my actual emotions
[many have been tellin me this]
yes i agree to a certain extent.
but when i sit down and thought about it
i ask myself what are my actual emotions?
honestly i dunno.
am i sad?
am i happi?
am i frustrated?
am i angry?
or am i just lonely?
loneliness...
unbearable at times
but gets better with practice
i would say
i choose to live in loneliness.
take for example.
i rather spend a day at home, alone, in front of my comp listenin to songs
when i can be given the option of a movie date
a dinner date
and a drinkin date
[and with all girls that it]
ask me why
i would have to say
blame it on my mood.
ask me if its easy to smile nowadays
i would say
its definitely gettin better.
but i dun feel the way i used to feel when i smiled and laughed.
but again, i think once more im gettin used to it
i openly tell others im no angel
and yes indeed i aint
but who is?
who haven fallen?
who haven failed?
[let me know if u feel u fall under the category of a non failure]
im not angel for i lost the capability to feel for another person.
i lost my heart
and soul to a certain sense.
but to where and to whom i dunno.
but anywae im in no hurry to find it back
it can roam outside for awhile.
i took a nap yesterdae and woke up close to 8.
i remember talkin to sum1 vaguely on the phone
and after the call
for once after a long time
i felt like crying
and i did.
the tears just drooped
ask me why i cry
honestly i dun.
maybe being sick makes me more vunerable?
but it did feel good after the cry.
and i flipped back to bed.
i realise im stoning most of the time im not doin anything
and my mind's blank.
and when i sleep
i wake up every 15 20 mins.
and go back to bed.
okie, my hands tired.
and my mind's pretty dead
from the medication and from my disruptive sleep.
and i wonder what happen to the dumb pic on top of my blog. argh it was my fav.
am i the onli 1 who cant see it?
