Tuesday, April 05, 2005, 17:44
[fitful sleep]
i went home
tired and beaten
yet i cldnt sleep well.
i had such fitful sleep
battling with stomach cramps
and mosquitoes *argh* irritating
i was talkin to lolo via msn last night
this topic came up
am i happier now or was i happier
i cldnt ans
i missed the 2 big parts of my life
the past and the present.
both seem equally important.
the past was fun, carefree
where i only had myself
no obiligations
no nothing
i fulfilled my life via other aspects.
now, its stressed, but im achieving
i have rene, thou not always there
not ever supportive, sometimes the wet blanket
but i like it now when things are okay
i hate instability
maybe its my fear for new things
and my fear for insecurity
security has all along been important to me
if not i wun have chou chou and bo bo
[haha] yes they are still happily around.
my soft toys that go to bed with daddy n mummy everynight
i like it like that.
but exactly which do i prefer
i aint too sure
somehow there seems to be a space of void in both
but im not sure.
[max]
sumtimes i think back, if we were still together, it would be our 7th year together?
time flies ahz.
from when i was 16, young n ignorant when i first knew him
till now, the ever so tired, dragged me
maybe its my fault?
[zane]
he's 1 that i both hate and love
hated him for he just suddenly walked out just like that many forgotten years back
hate him for just walking like that
but yet coming back with just 1 dumb icq message.
but i guess i played him back the same game he played with me years ago
so now we're quits?
i wonder, who hurt who more at the end of the day
who's the lost one,
yet was there any1 of us coming out of this triumphly?
i doubt so.
we etched the hurt so deep it runs deep
when i think back, i wonder
why goodness of each other we remember of each other
or did we subconsciously killed eachh other at the end of it all?
i remember the last conversation we had
at the playground.
the same dumb playground.
and we turned to walk our separate paths.
i walked off first.
i remember turnin back
to see him sittin by the pavement.
i remember walkin bac [or didnt i ]
honestly it was so long ago i cant remember.
i remember promising him that i wld sms me each day
but it faded away after awhile
for it was a drag
like letting someone know im still alive and kicking
i remember months or even years later taking back the bible.
i forgot that he ever wrote in it before till carol noted the missin pen knifed out page, and i was like, got meh.
den it smacked me
good of him to take it out
i wun wan to read it either.
[collin]
ah beng as he was, he and his cheeky ways caught my eye
rem malaysia, the dinner at geylang fishhead soup
and coffee at kallang cafe.
ask me why i fell for him now
ill answer u 'i dunno'
i wasnt even sure about him when i 1st knew him
but i knew deep down inside
he gave in and changed alot for me
from the usual flirting ways of his [feedback from others]
to only havin me
stayin commited isnt that easy
but he seldom faltered. [on some small ocassions yes]
he cried when i said i wanted to leave.
i was shocked.
we had alot of same stuff
the same tops.
the same specs.[in blue for me and red for him, our fav colours]
rem fallin asleep with 2 sofas pushed together to create a cradle
rem him gently waking me up to go back to the room to sleep
rem him buyin bfast for me before my work
rem him sendin me to work, rain or shine he would
even jurong he would.
i miss him and his ways at times
i do.
thats the funny thing.
its well over a year now.
but i still do.
[rene]
he was the last person i thought to end up with
he was intellectual
he was funny
and he was caring, sweet
but to me, i knew deep down i wun be that lucky to find such a guy
but we ended up together.
the starting wasnt that nice and steady
as his ex was still coming after him
at times i wld feel like disappearin when we were out and his ex calls would come
sms would come.
but he was sweet enough to never listen or reply
every whine every whim he answered to
i was like his big baby
guess i still am now?
i wonder how long tis stability would last
im glad i have the best frens 1 can find in the world.
such are the ones that wun fade away with time.
im lucky in some sense still?
that i can still run to them
[rainy tueday + bad cramps]
its once again raining,
since the moment i open my eyes till now
wonder does the weather reflect my mood
or did i wished it to rain?
its funny how sudden the weather changes
yes, im having bad bad tummy cramps
i cant even walk properly
my gawd
going down for a smoke break seems like walking a long long walk to me
every step hurts
i wana go home and sleep
but dun wana stand and flag a cab
which nice soul would flag 1 for me?
haha
im mad.
bye
the crampy
grouchy
but bit feelin better
yet ever so sleepy
adelynn~
