Friday, March 04, 2005, 11:25
[mixed emotions]
suddenly i feel i dunno what im feeling
anger? pain? hurt? unloved?
its been a long time, since i last tot about sumthing and the tears flow
are the tears for him not loving me
or for feeling hurt for myself
or for the pain he inflicted on me
..i wonder...
i feel the pain each time his icy cold eyes set on me
is it cuz he cant give me what i wan
therefore i deprive him of what he wants
will this cycle ever end
a vicious cycle
a cycle that kills 2 people while at it
i hate life like that
i had a happy life
and i want back my happy life
with you in it.
its not just up to me
its up to us
dun u get it by now
i need to feel secure
i need to feel loved
but just by you.
for i told u before
my hearts for u and solely u
u can choose to trample on it
ill just take it
its shattered cant u see
cant u feel the pain my hrt's feeling
cant u see what ure puttin me thru
why did u let go of the telepathy we had
i nv let it go. i just cant feel u anymore
and it hurts
ive took too many steps back
till i pale in the background
i hate myself now
but i nv hated u for making me like this
i know its u to want to hold onto me
i was independant, i was carefree
i was confident, i was happy
i was cheery, and i felt safe
when u came along,i tot that u were my harbour
u nv was i became trapped
in our world, and u nv bothered to take out ur hand.
u made me into what i am todae.
clubbing was a dead no to u, but i enjoyed it.
i loved mixin ard wif the girls but u nv liked it.
im not insecure, possesive
hesistant, no confidence
i worry abt each step i take
im scared of takin new steps
this isnt me, this wasnt me
u made me into what i am now, and yet u can question me why
ask urself that question back.
u never needed me, i was an ornament in ur life
im doubtful of the love u claim
i love the way u smell whenever ure near
i love the way u hug me, somehow it seems different
im tired.and i need ur hand right now
will u extend it to me to walk along that road together.
i nv hated belda, she was wrong to think i hated her.
but i know she hated me.
i remember e exchange of words/sms... i feel the hatred yet i felt her pain
i was shocked to find out i felt for her
but its only natural, we are both women.
i just felt that she was treading onto whats mine.
i juz dun like intrusion...
i feel for her, i understood her plight.
i feel her pain when she called crying 1 night...
i know she's hurt, but whose not selfish.
if i were to give up back rene to her then, then i would be hurting myself.
i know the time is incomparable, i know she hurts
but i just wana scream, its not cuz of me.
or maybe rene was not mine in the first place, he was hers...
was i the intruder?
[to belda: if u eva come across this, i just wana say im sorry, i know u were hurt by him, but i love him too. every women is selfish, to want to be with the person she loves, im just sorry we fell for the same person. i know uve moved along, and ure happier now, and im happy for u...]
i heard the song somebody in his car yesterdae.
the tears just fell, it was something to us.
now its faded? the future of -rene and adelynn- is left dangling in the air.
i wan to pluck it down, but it seems so far
and im tired out.
i just wan to switch off the lights, and see and feel the darkness. and stay in it..
forever...
