Sunday, March 27, 2005, 19:35
[life]
a relationship are the efforts of 2 to continue life
to create a better life
non stop.
it only stops when the love is dead
or..
when 1 party is dead
but even when 1 party is dead
it dun end there
1's death bring about hopes for the other party to live on
stronger...better...to live the enriching happy life before death parted their ways
how strange life and love is all about?
but what explains the reasoning for divorce?
what pinpoints the reason for all such crap.
where was the 'one to last a lifetime'
what about the vows taken at the church marking the beginning of a shared life?
is the e change of the century that brings about such
or that turn of the century and improvements in technology that creates chances of straying?
at times i do hate technology
den maybe life would be simplier.
like in my younger days?
think about this,
weren't we all happy then too?
simple i must agree
but a lighter heart and bigger smiles.
but noting and no1 can stop or deter technology improvements.
as technology moves forwards
my faith in love and marriage falters.
wavers.. disappears slowly but surely
and im fighting against myself to keep my faith
its just like when 1 thinks that god has failed him or her, he or she would disbelieve and faith in him falters... but now in the context of a thinking/hope i held on so strongly since young.
i remember since young
i dreamt that i would grow up.
meet this wonderful guy,[may not be so in others' eyes, but solely mine]
have wonderful kids
lead a wonderful enriching life
together striving hard at work
goin home to our laughing and anticipating kids
and spend time with them laughin
tuckin them into bed everynight
givin them good night kisses
and watch them grow up.
and grow old together
a fairy tale i must admit,
but which little girl didnt start off this way.
when i failed the 1st time i told myself mistakes must be made to find the right one
but now
as i grow older
seen more men
i find them all to be the same
they have the basic characteristics
the characteristics to break a girl down
to tear away the layer of protectiveness
to strip the individuality
and personality.
it scares me
and real bad too.
but is this the cycle of life?
that men are to be in control?
i aint a feminist,
i believe and categorise myself in terms of a relationship to be what the chinese usually term to be 'xiao nu ren'
i believe behind every man there's a supporting figure,
a shadow, but firm never faltering figure
in good times and bad.
yes i admit
i choose not to be feminist [thou my boss often say with my drive/strive/attitude at work its not possible for me not to]
i believe to every human there are multiple sides
and one can effectively live these multiple sides.
anywae the men that i fall for are all MCPs. [so who can i blame?]
i choose to be that silent supporting figure that only stands out when asked by that one. when the one opens up to say ' i need help'
was i wrong in my choice?
yet i dun wish to be a feminist.
often they are termed as obsessive, insistent.
oops i see the insistent trend.
but i believe im insistent in my soft ways
i never give up. [is it good or bad]
i never say die
i believe after tries, after every fall, every mistake
that one day ill get it right.
its whether that individual wants to make it or break it.
im choosing not to row my boat of life for the time being
letting the waves carry me to where ever it deems fit.
is tis good or bad?
will there be a day i turn around and judge my own life
and exclaim to myself ive made grave wrong choices?
or would i say i never regret in any of my life choices?
the waves are creating confusions.
tossing and turning me into multiple directions
multiple highs and lows of joy and anger
the extreme ends of laughter and frustration.
im so different at work and at home and towards him
yet it sometimes amazes me
when i can be so in control at work
when pple look up to me in awe.
at home im the insistent demanding princess.
getting my way whatsoever
but towards him,
he's so in control of me.
is he that adequate at playin mind games with me
or is my mind too weak for me.
ive wondered pondered for a long time
till now i cant figure out
at times i feel like screaming at the top of my voice
but i find no energy to.
i wonder why
im ever so composed at work
even when skies drop
or when the day is down
[except for last friday when i raised my tone a little on a dumb australian client]
but how come this composure dun stay with him
he has the inert ability to make me feel sorry tat i was ever angry with him
and snuggle up to him after i flare up at him
to try and make him laugh when he's down
when usually i just simply dun care [not even when my parents or friends have a bad day]
ill just leave them alone till they are in a better mood before ill go to them and ask them why
it just irks me when i see him down
see him grouchy
see him not smiling
is it eating all of me up?
*argh*
this is long man... haha...
i remember my boss telling me once that i cant be a [cant rem the word]
i cant save the world, i can only control my own world
and even at times
it aint all within my control
ive just gota learn to live with it
and not be hard on myself
[when i remember the word ill fill it in, hehe]
okie, im tired now.. bye
a pondering
mind nv gets to rest
thoughts filled up
waitin to explode
adelynn..
