Thursday, December 02, 2004, 16:48
sometimes one wonder what causes the ups and downs in a relationship, and when it fluctuates, how does one react to it... well i guess it depends mostly on the individual, some run, some scream,some talk about it, some just shut out... what about u???
ever wondered how some couples go thru the turbulances and come out triumph? and yet others go thru but nv stay on till the end...i envy those that go thru and make it, and for those that nv makes it till the end, i regret on their behalf... but what about mine? honestly, i have no idea -ironic as it may seem-
there are times one cant control how the relationship is built on, formed and moves, as a relationship is made up of 2 individuals, of different backgrounds,history,experiences and personalities... it would even seem unfair to tilt the relationship to one side's favour... but once again, what is fair? does this word even exist in the context of a 'relationship'? i guess not...
unconditional love versus conditional love.. what exactly is the termination of both words, and sometimes one wonder does unconditional love even exist... sometimes one wonder whats the purpose of the meeting of 2 individuals... to share a life? to build a future? or solely for the sake of continuing mankind? is this the reasons why some stay single till the end? or is this the reason for the trend of pple staying single and high divorce rates? sometimes i really wonder....
i remember i once said relationships are lk gradient graphs, out of which all will definitely have a sudden drop in the graph and den the curve slowly climbs up once again, and at times higher than the original highest point before the drop... yet there are some which drops and rises from time to time, and drops are extremes and rises are also the extremes highs... but den once again, which kinda curve each relationship goes thru is not within any individual's control, as its made up of 2 individuals not 1....
...for me, ive been thru a whirlwind of emotions... there was a period of time i was blocked off, and then for another period i was pampered, loved, doted... and then comes the 3rd period whereby once again im blocked out... so what kinda curve am i in? or which category do i fall under? and once again, which category do u others fall under?
there are times whereby questions come into my mind, but these questions are the ones i fear the most to ask, for at the back of one's mind, one know that there is a chance the answer would cut and hurt deeply, that one cant mend the cut by him/herself... but if the question is never asked, the door would always remain open... so to ask or not to ask... for me, i would rather know the answers and hurt indefinitely than never knowing the answers... i guess im those that look for hurt? ... what importance do i stand in ur life?... ... who is the biggest regret in ur life?... ...am i even comparable?... ...why are there things u wld do for others but never for me?... ...the things im askin for are so simple, yet so difficult for u to give them to me, why?...
im tired out... from guessing whats on ur mind, from trying to anticipate ur reactions and ur thinking... from trying to reach u inside that guarded heart, from trying to pry open ur heavily guarded heart but constantly failing... from crying cuz there are times the pain is too much for me to bear alone, and yet i dun have u to share the pain, or for you to come and nurse the wounds... from crying but ull never care about the tears ive dropped for u [to u, they are just tears of my wilfulness, my 'normal everyday' tears] but they are not everyday...and only u have the ability to make m cry...
at times when im so freakin tired out from walkin this journey alone, i sit down and wonder is it time to stop chasing after u.. or will i be forever for the rest of our lives we share together, be chasing after u indefinitely...or will i have that much energy to chase u... or will one dae my energy run out, till im so exhausted that i just sit down and break down piece by piece just there and then... one really wonder
