Friday, December 17, 2004, 14:24
okie, i guess i was crazy yesterdae, went to charles and keith and grabbed 5 pair of heels, for what reason i realli dunno.... haha, just felt lk grabbing i guess, to vent the fustration inside of me.. the crazy bunch of wacky gers and guys cld not stand my spree, and decided to have dinner at esplanade to 'recover' from their shock... well didnt lk the food and the ambience there, went thr before, and we WALKED all the way from esplanade to rochor bean curd, only to find the bean curd tastes funny, and i didnt eat....
lugged my white tote bag, and 5 pairs of shoes back home, had a shower, went down by the poolside to sit down and relac, see the stars, feel whatever remaining wind there was...
haven really got down to cont writing the story of aden and relynn... guess some other time ba... well the end of the week is coming, another broken promise or excuse to brush me and my ring off, if its gona be a never ending wait, i rather get the dumb ring myself! @U)@#@(...oops...
my god, im having insomia again!!! everydae ill see the sun rise before actually going to bed, and i dun even feel tired, my god...still have to force myself to sleep...think im on the US time band... haha...
someone asked me, if i have a husband, and found out he was cheating on me, when i have given him kids and my all what would i do... i thought abt it for 2 mins, and gave this answer.... " ill make sure he break off wif the other ger, change his job to ground him, control all the finances, change his lifestyle he was used to, in other words take complete control and when he is just about to 'get used' to this, il take th kids out, and divorce him, and leave him with nothing." my frens said i was cruel, my point of view is, i gave him my all, emotional and all the other components, given him kids, wasted half my youth and life on him, in exchange for betrayal... kindness begets kindness, cruelty begets cruelty.... well at least this is "theoritical" what i do, if it really happens on me someday dwn the road, only then we'll know the answer, cuz theory often differ from reality.... who knows this might manifest in me, being the kind that keeps all inside me, and one dae it wld grow so big till it eventually eats me up and buries me alive?? ...no1 has the answers i guess...
ive been listening to a few songs repeatively.... superwoman by karen white, avril lavigne happy ending & maroon 5 she will be loved... dunno why so...i think im back to the time of my life where i lk to blast music to drown out my thoughts....
i guess im at point of life where i feel bad about myself, even as im lookin into the mirror to comb my hair or put my make up on, ill subconsciously tell myself, i hate this face im looking at in the mirror, and its me.... haha, im a sick-o-fan....
lets talk this over its not lk we're dead was it sumthing i did was it sumthing u said, dun leave me hanging in a city so dead held up so high such an unbreakable threat...
u were all the things i tot i knew and i tot we cld be, u were everything everything that i wanted, we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it, all the memories so close to me just fade away all this time u were pretending so much for my happi ending...
u got ur dumb frens i knw wat they say they tell u im difficult but so are they. but they duno me do they EVEN KNOW U? all the things u hide frm me, all the SHIT that u do, u wereall the things and i tot we cld be...
its nice to know that u were there thanks for acting that u care, making me feel lk i was the only one, its nice to knw we had it all...
seeing collin after so long brought back alot of mao dun issues i had inside me, all this while when i hadnt seen him, i thought if i ever saw him, i can just walk away galantly, without any emotions den, and even after that, but i was wrong.... when i saw him, it seems thou everything had came back, the memories that i shut out so badly.... we left things unsaid, ended things abruptly, without any final words nor parting words...
and now i wonder, if i had moved on from a hot frying pan and into another pot of boiling oil... i guess im lost... haha, crap...
