Tuesday, August 10, 2004, 13:19
its been a long time since i last came in... and so many things have been happening since i last wrote that i think its turned my life upside down inside out... 'beautiful eyes' said that when he first knew me i was positive, enthusiastic about life, but somehow i lost the passion for life. i wonder have i realli changed? or have i once again gone back hiding into my protective shell...
'Limit's reappearance once again freaked me out, scared me and threathened my well being.. somehow i got pushed over my 'balance' in life.. and somehow i never seemed to have snapped out of this, thou i tell others i fine and that i can take it, but deep down inside, i somehow cant let it all go... from then on, my emotions seemed to be on a roller coaster ride that seemed ever changing... from upset to fustration, to anger, to tears, to running away as far as i can, to giving up on myself... i hated myself during this emotion ride, cuz i knew i was hurting myself, huring 'beautiful eyes' and the pple ard me who care for me.
...beautiful eyes and i went through a gradiant curve of my emotions and reactions.. from my snapping at him, to curling up beside him hoping to be comforted by him, to my bouts of tears, with me lying on his lap for comfort while he tries to sound me out with logics , to my bouts of insecurities... i knew it was also a hard period for him, as i somehow became another person, not the person who he knew and loved before... and somehow i guess i was unconsciously pushing him away from me, which made things even harder for the both of us.. the tension rose, and dropped, the stress levels rose and dropped...
he said... i wasnt strong enuff to stand up to all these, i wasnt strong enuff to believe in myself, i didnt have my own stand, i was letting all these unncesessary things affect me totally, i let these things change my attitude in life. i lost my positive attitude in life. i was not the person he first knew and loved. that i wasnt trying to snap out of it. that i wasnt tryin hard enuff
i said... i cant do it alone, i cant take such emotional pressure. why isnt he trying to protect me. why am i left to fend for myself. why is he on her side when he insisted it cant be 'limit'. i needed to hide away. i wanted to run. i want to feel safe again. i want to be smiling again but i wld need him. i want to be back to the adelynn he first knew but i need time, im trying but why cant he see it..
no matter how hard it has been for us, i know that if at the end of the day we make it thru, it would strengthen the bond that holds us together, it would strengthen the relationship so that if we do meet further obstacles in future, we wld be able to handle them better, to make us grow and learn together. to better understand each other.. so hopefully the rainbow would come out soon again...
