Monday, August 23, 2004, 21:39
i guess storms dun come singlely..i guess currents will build up and somedae become an underwave..i guess this time round the underwave has come...i guess i would drown in this underwave...sumtimes things happen...some say things happen for a reason, i think otherwise... i think things happen for most ridculous reasons, and i end up being ridculous... or at least thats wat someone says about me... im ridculous...these words up till now has been ringing inside my head...the conversation we had still replays, the words hurt each time,just like a fresh wound, and the words still hurt as much as when i first heard it, thou the words were gone, i can still feel the pain... at times like this,whereby im alone and quiet in office, i tremble as i replay the words over and over again...somehow i tell myself to stop, but somehow the words just seem to get louder..i try to stop thinking, to just dump myself into the work, somewhat hoping to drown myself in work, to stop thinking... i aint supp to be at work right now, i dun have to, but somehow i guess its here where i can find solace, find quietness...somehow it gives me the feeling of the eye in a tornado...
i guess my world is like a tornado right now, throwing me left right centre, and im desperately trying to hide myself inside the eye of the tornado, cuz thats where i feel peace, thats where i guess i find peace... somehow everything seems blured in my mind right now, somehow everythings seems to be moving in slow motion.. even the words as im typing them now..they seem 5 seconds slow, or even 10...somehow i guess confused with the time moving too... i dunno wat time is it, or maybe i just dowan to know... i stare at the hp from time to time, even know when i know ive placed it on ringing profile, and thou it never rang, i check just in case i miss a call miss a sms..but somehow i know the call wun come, the sms wun come... i ask myself what am i anticipating... and wld this anticipation disappoint me even more when after hours and hours, the thing ive been anticipating still dun come...prob it might be days, prob it might be weeks..or prob it might never come again... aftter awhile, im not sure anymore..or was i not sure all along that if something were to happen like that, i knew deep down it would never come..??
i was always a kinda ger that needed protection, that needed love, care & concern.. i was never independant, even since young, and i guess i never would be... even my frens never allowed me to be independant..*not saying that it aint good, cuz they were always there for me u sweetie pies. i knew that no matter what, whenever and where-ever, i could run to u and hide, and just cry..somehow even thou i never say anything, u all somehow managed to understand what the tears were for, who the tears were for, and somehow u all made the dae dun seem so bad...* well as for my relationships, they also never seem to force me to become independant, or i gues maybe somehow they gave up... hehe.. i was the pampered one, frens,love and family..i guess i had the best of all worlds... i was the princess of my daddy & mummy,grandparents too... i was the baby ger in each relationship of mine... i was never left alone to go anyway, i was brought from place to place, made sure i was safe and picked up whenever i said 'i wana go home' or 'im tired'... i guess i got accustomed to this lifestyle... and i do miss it still...
i guess i take up alot of energy and attention too, i guess i tire pple out? hehe... well well... i guess i tire myself out too.. i was replyin a fren in frenster, and somehow the words jsut came out... i said that i was like a log floatin in the midst of the ocean, bringing me wherever the current would bring me, and hopefully gime a direction whereby i can move forward to..
somehow i wonder if i see blood flow, i wonder how would it feel like... kinda cool, kinda sadistic.. haha, im joking, pple relac.. i wana smile, i wana skip, hop play, fool around, be crazy like i used to be, but somehow my energy seemed drained... somehow when i try to speak my thoughts, the words come out silent, and all pple see is just my emotionless face...i guess this scares them off... i dunno if im right to say that im kinda tired out... drained...
