Friday, July 30, 2004, 12:13
another 10 mins more before i start my day, decide to come in to pen something down...
love simply freaks me out, it brings me on a rollercoaster ride up and down, ups being extremely up, down being the total opposite...i guess i still haven learnt the wonders of love, the traits & the way to handle/face it... listening to a zhou chuan xiong song, she bu de ni, somehow i jus like this song....
it amazes me how laughter comes so easily in one's life, and how it takes everything bad away or minimises it... looking forward in anticipation of seeing that special someone after a bad day is a weird jittery feeling, but once ur eyes set on that person, immediately the tension goes away... if independance is wat im lookin for in my life now, den why wld i hav this anticipation??
i guess im still learning to stand up again, to learn for once in my life to be independant, but somehow it all seems so difficult..ive been dependant all my life, to my mum, my bro, max, collin and now somewat 'beautiful eyes', standing is difficult... but i knw i muz try...if not ill suffer another collaspe if any1 of my pillars decide to walk out again...
listening to wan fang's xin bu liao qing brings back alot of painful memories, when 'beautiful eyes' sang it that dae @ eclispe, it somehow all came back, like a skeleton hidden @ the back of the cupboard just suddenly pop outs... lovin someone is easy but how to make it last i wonder... looking back, i guess 1 will somewat remember the pain, before the good times...why do humans function like that? always the bad before the good?
i asked 'beautiful eyes' if i were to disappear one dae, wld he look for me, he said he would... and also asked if he were to remake his decision again, would it be the same? he said he would not change anything..he said i was insecure, maybe i am, or rather i admit i am, somehow im just afraid 'limit' might jus come back and ruin everything in the present... everythin in the pic right now... iwhr does insecurity come from? i wonder, is it frm the person itself? or the person ure feelin insecure about??
suddenly woke up this morning feelin terribly FAT...lol... i think its seriously time to do something about it man.. the weather here is turning cold, but somehow the weather is also unpredictable, like me! hahaha.... well i wld prefer it when its cold, it keeps me more 'level headed'... oops, time go n bathe liao...before im late AGAIN...
...beautiful eyes... thanks for everything uve done, i mayb a small girl while ure a big boi, i maybe a 'meimei' to you, but somedae ill grow up, and grow out of that stage of 'meimei' and maybe things wld seem better, we wld be in a better position to 're-evaluate' everything... haha... in the meantime enjoy my babyish small girl side, and wait for me to grow up... haha.... wld u wait for that dae to come??
..and btwn now and den, till i see u agn, ill be loving u, love me... haven sang this song for some time, but this sentence is my fav in the entire song...
